getting married won't solve anything. it won't do me any shit, but i seriously just want to get married. i wish i could just fucking get married right now. i hate the thought of knowing i have to wait until after i graduate college and have a stable income. i don't know why i want to get married. i just do! i am well aware of the fact that i sound incredibly like a bitter little spoiled brat, but i can't help it. i want to get married. i want a house. i want peace.

actually, i really just want school to start. to be able to see him everyday without worrying about when or how. to be able to do whatever the fuck we want. to have peace. no more stressing about what anyone else thinks about him or us.

i want to breathe.

it's so stressful here. i want to be somewhere where i can let my heart beat calmly. loosen those knots that are practically bringing me to the oversized doors of death.

that night i thought he left me, i thought i was going to die. so many things i could have done, but i didn't want to do. those options weren't right. i thought i was going to die. i couldn't breathe. but he never left me. he wrapped his arms around me. and the tears just ran endlessly. i couldn't breathe, but i was saved. he piggybacked me to the metro. walking next to him, i held his hand so hard, i hurt him. i knew that. because it hurt me to grab on so tightly. but i couldn't let go. i was saved. i was relieved. but i was still in shock.

i realize now that i'm being extra soft. clingy even. i can't help it. but it won't last forever. so for now, i'm just going to accept how i am right now. needy. needy for him.

why is he so understanding. how can someone be so perfect. how is it that a person like me perchance on something grander than the greatest treasures.

tired. i'm so tired but i can't sleep. i can't stop thinking of him. i get to see him in 11 hours. sleep will help me. but i can't sleep. i can't stop thinking.

i need to calm down. one. two. one. two. i love you.

Labels: dos