i am so weak. and it's not that i don't know any better. i'm frustrated at how weak my heart is. it drives me nuts. i'm so angry that i am so goddamn weak. i can't do anything about it. you mean so much to me but right now.. while i'm head over heels, i'm going to harden my heart until there is long term proof. i know i must be mad for my insecurities, but this isn't about you anymore. it's me. i don't care if you're totally serious. i mean, i do. but. right now there's that second thought whispering to me. and i'm going to guard myself. the problem of this situation is not you, even if you do become what i am afraid of. the problem is that i'm going to be damaged beyond repair if you do. i need to be someone that is merely scratched, not cracked and forever scarred, if it ever happens. i don't even know myself how long is long enough, but we're just going to have to wait because while nothing essentially is changing, i can't do this anymore. i've got to open and close myself at the same time. i don't even know if i can survive.

Labels: dos